Thoughts on neediness of positive validation and freedom from outcome.

  • When you cold-approach a girl what is it that you actually want from her, besides the sex? You want her validation, but wait a minute, her validation of what exactly? Good question. You want her to validate (confirm as being true) all of the positive beliefs you have about yourself. As a guy, you probably believe these type of things about yourself:
    • I’m a sexy guy
    • I’m good looking
    • I’m cool
    • I’m attractive
    • I’m funny, interesting, and charismatic
    • Girls want to have sex with me
    • etc, etc.

You want her to accept you because by accepting you she will be completely validating all of your positive beliefs about yourself, which feels pretty fucking awesome. Now, of course everybody wants validation, everybody. Everybody loves the huge ego boost that you get from it, it feels fantastic, and it gives you a drug like high. The only problem; however, is if you become needy and desperate for her validation, then you become creepy and creepy guys don’t get laid. What you have to realize is that in actuality, you don’t need a girl’s validation for you to feel good about yourself and to experience positive emotions. You don’t need her external validation because you can be your own source of internal validation. This is what RSD means when they talk about “drawing state from within” or “Pumping your own state”. You, all on your own, can make yourself feel good. You don’t need the girl for that. But when you don’t realize this and you’re coming from the frame that, “you can only feel good if a girl validates you and that you need her to validate you in order for you to feel good”, now you have become needy, weird, creepy, and you have an agenda because you think that you need something which you actually don’t. That is the outcome from which you are supposed to be free from. You have to be indifferent to the outcome of your approach because whether she validates (accepts you / likes you) you or not, you know that you don’t need her validation anyways. A lot of guys, myself included, when we first heard the phrase, “Freedom from outcome” it didn’t seem to make a lot of sense to us. Freedom from what outcome? Freedom from all outcomes? Should I not give a shit about anything anymore and become totally indifferent to my entire life? Should I become apathetic? And how can I have “clarity of intent” while simultaneously being indifferent about the outcome? The answers is that it’s perfectly OK to want something (an outcome/ a goal), it’s perfectly OK for you to want to fuck the girl and to get her validation, and you should be crystal clear in your intent (desire / want) but it is totally disgusting, repulsive, and despicable if you start believing that you actually need her validation (the outcome) when in reality, you don’t.

Her validation is nice, you want it, and you can definitely appreciate it but in no way do you need it.

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